“Change is scary, but so is staying the same.”

I’m currently binge watching Gossip Girl since they revived it on Netflix, and let’s just say these people are insane. But Blair Waldorf? Icon. I know it’s just a show, and real teenagers don’t live like that (right?), but it’s honestly giving me FOMO. Did I waste my high school years stressing about classes that didn’t even matter in the end? Who would’ve thought that not getting into trouble would be something I’d regret? Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I’m not talking about skipping class or getting crazy drunk. I’m talking about holding myself back from mistakes, being bold, and opening up to people.  

I’m almost nineteen, and it’s hard to believe my teenage years, the years I looked forward to as a kid, are almost over. I feel like I’m still in 8th grade. The pandemic hitting just as I was supposed to transition into high school made me develop a slight fixation on that weird in-between stage. You’re telling me I have to learn to be an adult now? Adults are independent, organized, and seem to know everything. Meanwhile, I still ask my parents the most random questions, expecting them to have all the answers as if they’re Google. My brain is hard-wired to think they know everything, when I forget it’s their first time living too. Soon, I have to be the one who knows everything? Absolutely not. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life.

Anyway, reverting back to the whole “American high school experience” thing: I’m almost 20 and have zero crazy teenage experiences that I plan to share with my kids. Sure, crazy things have happened in my life, but literally everything has happened to other people I’m close to — messy relationships, grand gestures, huge spikes in academic achievements, and anything else you can think of. I have seen all these things from an outside perspective, but have never been in the middle of it. Maybe it’s just my luck, or maybe it’s because the fears I have created became habits that just ruin my opportunities to take risks. I have created so many “what-if” scenarios in my head that they flood my thoughts before I go to sleep, which then feeds into my overthinking cycle that leaves me constantly anxious.  

My fear of change and stepping out of my comfort zone has become both a source of frustration and a weird kind of safety blanket. In my mind, change = terrifying, so I cling to what I know. But that makes me resistant to growth, creating a cycle that keeps me stuck in always reverting to the familiar. I’m actually so scared of my feelings sometimes. When I feel emotions coming up, my instinct is to shut down or avoid them — like if I’m not dealing with it, it doesn’t exist. It’s almost like a phobia. Suddenly I understand why some people put on the whole “nonchalant” mask, acting unbothered when everyone around sees through them. Unfortunately though, the whole “fake it until you make it” thing never really works. It only makes the outcomes of your decisions worse because you’re in a constant state of denial. Sometimes, the thought of stepping outside my comfort zone feels like jumping into fire. But I also know that without taking those steps, I’ll never truly know what I’m capable of. So in an unusual way, I’m thankful for that little intruding thought in my head that makes me question whether the comfort I’m clinging onto is restricting me instead.

Although part of me wishes I had those “crazy” experiences, I’m extremely thankful for what I did get to experience: loving friendships, a good education, and the fun experiences that weren’t defined by chaos. Looking at life through a positive lens has taught me not to judge my experiences as “better” or “worse”, just different, and I think it’s important to recognize that. No one’s life is a “one size fits all” journey; this isn’t a Brandy Melville, and Blair doesn’t actually exist. Obviously, different things bring people happiness, but comparison is humanity’s biggest killer. Comparing your life to someone else’s version of success won’t get you anywhere. I think I really needed to tell myself that.  

So, what if the things I fear are exactly what I need to embrace to reach my full potential? While I don’t know exactly what my future holds, I’m learning to embrace change and trust that it will lead me to new growth — both the scary and the exciting parts. Sometimes the scarier things are more rewarding than the familiar, and I plan on experiencing the rest of my life with that reminder.